Dr. Memnus Lagbane Soultooth the Mad

Brush off some of these cobwebs.

Tue, 25 Apr 2017 05:45:35 GMT

So, now that I've salted the earth over at LiveJournal, if I'm going to pretend that I'll start posting over here again I should probably give the rundown of what I've been up to, and just how thoroughly illegal I actually am in Russia. So, in moderately chronological order, my last three to five years...

I ended, or finally allowed to end, a toxic and harmful relationship. I'm not proud, but also not hesitant, to say that I was the one being abusive. I won't dwell on the details of that - if you've heard those details from the other party to that relationship, believe what you've heard. Many of the changes in my life since then have been directly in the service of making sure that I never allow myself to get near that space again.

I've finally put down deep roots in Seattle, and at the end of 2014, I bought a house and moved in. It's a larger space than I strictly need, and I live alone here except for the cats, but I have space to fill with my favorite people, throw parties, or just let a friend hide here and still not be in my way. I have a luxurious, spacious kitchen, a giant garage, and a hot tub on the roof. I also have the hassle of maintaining all of these things, of course; right now there is a hole in the ceiling and the hot tub is out of commission.

Qualcomm closed the Seattle office early in 2016, laid off the team that was based there, and told me to go work from home, with no network or IT support, and oh yeah, they wouldn't support a Linux workstation offsite so I would have to ship that back to San Diego and remote into it. I was skeptical of this choice, and of my own ability to work effectively from my own house full of distractions, but I know better than to make permanent decisions in late winter or spring; after sticking it out for almost six months, I quit in June and gave myself my first real summer vacation in over a decade. It was glorious. In the fall, I joined the Android Security Response and Review team at Google. I hadn't actually done any security work before then, but apparently my Android experience was what mattered and I've done a fine job of coming up to speed on the security parts, because I've now been there six months and people seem to trust me. In any case, the Kirkland-based team trusts me enough to work out of the Seattle office most of the time.

(In an adjacent alternate universe, I ended up at Glowforge, and am almost certainly much more stressed and anxious than I am in this one. The startup life is not for me.)

I've grown comfortably into an independent, saturated, solo-poly lifestyle, and it suits me extraordinarily well. I have five partners of various degrees of intensity, each one of my metamours is a delightful person that I don't get nearly enough social time with, and I still get to spend enough time alone (or with the cats) that I feel centered in my own life. I have lovers of all genders (or lack thereof), of diverse backgrounds. And those relationships have been stable and durable - the newest of them is now eight months in, and deep and intense and enriching. Not that I haven't had my share of heartbreak - at least two breakups stand out for having devoured my attention for weeks - but even those won't let me regret this life I've lucked into and embraced. I have a rich and supportive community around me, and space in my house to throw parties that only begin to give back.

And finally, this year, I ran hard into the question of my own gender. It's not the first time - I've reviewed it periodically over the years - but this time I have the vocabulary and experience and support and self-awareness to express that binary masculinity simply isn't for me, anymore. In February, I started coming out to my closest friends as genderfluid, and nonbinary, and transfem, and was greeted with a resounding, "Yeah that makes sense." I've been expanding that outness, asking more and more people to use "they" and "them" pronouns when referring to me, and at this point I'm out to pretty much anyone that might be using that information. For myself, I've only just started to explore that rabbit hole - once I allow myself to embrace that new thought, I can't let go of it, and whole worlds of options (and anxiety and dysphoria) are open to me. More on this as it develops.

Oh, and my hair is blue and purple now. If I do actually post more on Dreamwidth, I'm definitely going to have to update some icons.

comments

Hi!

Tue, 11 Apr 2017 05:27:37 GMT

This is a test of cross-posting! If you see this on Dreamwidth, ignore it. Livejournal is preventing me from posting there directly, so I'm trying to sneak this entry in though a different API.

[content redacted]

comments

Workout log (double)

Thu, 02 Apr 2015 02:36:33 GMT

Forgot to post Monday's, here's that and today.

( squats, overhead press, chin-ups; front squats, conditioning )

comments

Workout log

Thu, 26 Mar 2015 03:06:01 GMT

( squats, bench press, pull-ups )

comments

Workout log

Fri, 20 Mar 2015 21:21:01 GMT

( deadlift, conditioning )

comments

Workout log (backdated)

Thu, 19 Mar 2015 23:48:16 GMT

Forgot to post this yesterday.

( squats, conditioning )

comments

Workout log

Tue, 17 Mar 2015 02:54:30 GMT

( squats, overhead press, chin-ups, body weight )

comments

Workout log

Fri, 13 Mar 2015 20:00:21 GMT

( split jerk, conditioning )

comments

Workout log

Wed, 11 Mar 2015 06:45:16 GMT

( squats, bench press, pull-ups )

comments

Workout log

Fri, 06 Mar 2015 21:10:55 GMT

I love when I can sneak out over lunch. Telecommuting!

( deadlift, conditioning )

comments

Workout log

Thu, 05 Mar 2015 01:56:44 GMT

I have now been to the gym as many times in March as I did in February.

( front squats, conditioning )

comments

Workout log

Mon, 02 Mar 2015 21:02:45 GMT

( squats, press, chinups, body weight )

comments

Workout log

Wed, 25 Feb 2015 02:38:57 GMT

I just lost two weeks of gym time to bad scheduling and lurking depression. To keep myself a little more accountable, I'm going to start keeping a record here. Actual numbers will be under cuts.

( Squats, bench press )

comments

Attention span exercise: elevator

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 01:39:22 GMT

I work on the 15th floor, and there are elevators on both sides of the hall. To practice focus I try to remember which side of the hall my car is on, so I know exactly which way to turn as I exit the elevator. It's harder than you'd think.

comments

Mindfulness examination one

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 05:35:48 GMT

I've been reading a lot of feminist or otherwise social-justice-adjacent blogs. They're full of powerful stories, justified anger, and palpable pain, and the least I can do is listen... but reading them is also reading their explanation of who's doing the oppression. And of all the major privileged groups in the US, "Christian" is the only one that I can't make a claim to or easily pass in. That's seductive.

My mind sometimes feels like an echo chamber. Thoughts are words or sentences, represented basically in audio form, but instead of leading one to the next they loop back to themselves and repeat, bouncing over each other and going nowhere. Most of them are petty and trivial, but dangerous, hurtful thoughts bounce there too, getting into shouting matches with sense and/or compassion. Neither surrenders, neither relents, despite knowing which I want to favor. So I keep my mouth shut and try to listen to love.

comments

Project "don't fuck around with visibility" continues apace.

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 05:38:04 GMT

No flash. The reflective tape works too well.

Frances and I went shopping for motorcycle gear this weekend. It turns out there is exactly one helmet manufacturer that makes anything approximating the shape of my head, so I didn't have a lot of options — black it is. In jacket and gloves, however, I'm a much more common size, and those are available is "high-visibility". Think of the greenish yellow that's supplanted boring yellow on crosswalk signs, brighten it up a couple shades, and you have the color of my new clothing. (Not to leave the helmet out of the fun, I got some darker green retro-reflective tape for accents.) The jacket is pretty much single-purpose, but the gloves are quite a bit more waterproof than my old gloves so I've also adopted them for bicycling. They're almost overkill, but I'm much more confident about my hand signals actually being seen.

I also tried to find a new biking jacket, to replace my ten-year-old rain jacket, but had much less luck with that. You'd think it'd be a much more common thing in this town, but maybe my timing is off? I only had lunch to look, but tomorrow I'll cast a wider net. If I still don't find anything, I'll go back to the generic rain jacket I almost bought.

click

comments

Like primitive man used the whole beet

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 05:57:46 GMT

I took a final look at dinner and decided that it wasn't so much a salad as a vegetable soup without liquid. Chopped pecans, sunflower seeds, leeks (chopped fine and cooked down hard), beet flesh and greens, shredded cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, probably some other things I'm forgetting now. Definitely best eaten with a spoon.

That title almost implies I'm going for a paleo diet. I'm kinda against the paleo thing in general -- it's expensive and unbalanced, takes more prep work for less food, plus doughnuts are delicious. But when you're trying to use up the contents of a CSA box before you get the next one, meals like this are kinda inevitable.

click

comments

Dammit, noscript!

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 04:18:43 GMT

I just filled up this box, then turned off NoScript which promptly reloaded the page. It may have also been preventing the page from saving drafts.
As far as the State of Washington is concerned, I'm fully qualified to ride a motorcycle! On a whim, Frances and I took the (state-subsidized) Basic Rider Safety Course, the one that assumes no experience on anything heavier than a bicycle. Despite the rain, and despite my dropping the bike just before the actual test (oooooooops) we both passed! Now I keep looking at Craigslist to drool over bikes that I'd be too terrified to ride. No way in hell will my first bike be something I'll feel guilty about putting a few dings in.
After having it pointed out that my lunches were a bit skimpy, I've added "eat enough food at all costs" to the self-care list. So far the only difference I've noticed is not getting hungry at 4:30 every day, which is probably actually a pretty big step. It does lead to unfortunate things like last night's Cheese Bomb Lasagna, but at this point (especially coming into the winter) that beats the alternative.
I kinda want a script that picks one of my blog tags and throws it at me as a prompt. It could lead to some interesting things.
I started knitting a hooded scarf, and eight rows in decided it was too boring. So I'm learning cables on the fly. And buttonholes. I keep doing projects like this, and the only thing I've actually learned is not to do them on a deadline. Those damn curtains...
How is trolling not considered a sociopathic act? (And how does the Firefox spell check not recognize "sociopathic"?) It is literally hurting someone -- as many people as possible -- for your own amusement, because they're funny when they're hurt. Yes, offense and anger are pain responses. When did this become okay? Is it just never framed in that context?

click

comments

Perspective!

Sat, 06 Oct 2012 05:54:14 GMT

There's nothing quite like sports to get a bunch of self-identified nerds to start competing about who can be the most ignorant.

If you value knowledge (doubly so for obscure or trivial knowledge) it seems ridiculously petty to start arbitrarily deciding some knowledge is Good and some knowledge is Bad.
Really, people: football, basketball, and hockey are no more similar than Halo, Warcraft, and Civ.
I don't see how it's possible to stay in touch with local current events (that will affect your life much more directly than national ones) without hearing about the two or three local favorite teams. Failure to at least recognize those shows that you're either out of touch entirely, or willfully ignorant (see first point).

It seems like people forget that little knowledge of the overculture goes a long way towards successfully navigating it.

(Not prompted by anything in particular, just a thing I've been noticing...)

click

comments

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 03:01:26 GMT

I was laid low by a stomach flu last week. Spent about twelve hours wishing for death, another twelve terrified of water, and the next twenty-four cringing at the thought of solid food. So, so grateful to quartzpebble for staying home to take me to the doctor. I have no idea where I picked this up, but I don't seem to have passed it along, so yay?
At work I've been writing code way outside of my comfort zone: kernel code that reads and writes directly from the silicon. This is a strange new experience, and kinda terrifying. On the plus side, it's GPL code, so I'll be able to point to it from anywhere and say LOOK I DID THAT.
Qualcomm is changing its name to "Qualcomm Technologies Incorporated". Or maybe it's Qualcomm CDMA Technologies that's changing its name. I've never been clear on all the weird divisions within the company, except that it has something to do with compartmentalizing IP.
I've been going to a Crossfit gym for the last six months, and the difference since then is pretty remarkable. Then again, I'm also starting to wonder if some exercises actually start to hurt less, or if you just stop interpreting those signals as pain.
Lori has two new kittens this week - Ellie, four months old, and Kilo Jack, two months. They're still getting used to the house and to us, and are beyond super adorable. Kilo in particular is half the time a bundle of pouncy energy and half the time just wants to sleep on you.

click

comments

Stew. Well done, me.

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 05:55:08 GMT

Totally easy, and I want to remember it for the future. I think this counts as comfort food.

1 large onion, coarsely chopped
5 large cloves of garlic, minced
1.5 lb stew beef (in the future, consider lamb)
Three cans beans (black, pinto, kidney)
One box tomato soup
One bag orzo (in future, consider barley)

In giant soup pot, cook onions and garlic in olive oil. Once translucent, add meat, cook until browned. Add beans (don't drain) and soup, bring to a boil, simmer for an hour. Add orzo, simmer another ten-fifteen minutes. Serve with fluffy sourdough bread.

click

comments

Resolutions

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 06:48:05 GMT

I haven't often done this. But it's a legitimate idea: air one's intentions, so the expectations become someone else's and more important to live up to. None of these is particularly life-changing, but I think that's a sign I'm close to an ideal life already.

Be active. Bike from work at least three times a week; once there's an actual shower in the office, bike to work as well. If the weekends aren't too rainy, bike then too. At least occasionally, pick up something heavy and put it down again.
Archery. Did you notice that's among the first things everyone asks if you're still doing? Yeah. Make the answer 'yes'. Get up to Montlake Terrace at least every other week. Figure out an actual way to set up a target in the backyard and use that too. And enter at least one FITA or similar tournament this summer.
Play more games. Take at least an hour a week to use that computer taking up space upstairs, and catch up on all the stories that are being told.
Be out. Don't go out of the way to protect others' comfort zones. "It's complicated" is a cop-out, all relationships are complicated, and hiding the unconventional ones does no one any favors.
Be political. Don't let cynicism turn to despair, and call out bullshit. And done be afraid to release attachment to your own bullshit - pay at least as much attention to your own failings as others'.
Make time for chosen family. You've lucked into an arrangement that you could only have dreamed of, so build on that and make it keep working. it will take work, but it will be worth it.
And of course, blog more.

Is that too much to ask?

click

comments

Sometimes, Perhaps, and Nevermind.

Fri, 28 Oct 2011 04:16:00 GMT

Turns out there's a clause in the lease at Madhouse-At-Camelot that specifically forbids running any sort of business from this address, including those businesses that are specifically allowed in residential zones. Oh well. I'm focusing more on my giant projects than anything sellable, anyway. My pants got a major field test at GeekGirlCon. Lessons learned:

There is absolutely no sneaking up on anyone in those. Each step sounds like kicking a bag of dimes. As ways to muffle that go, I'd like to be able to knit yarn through the links for padding, but it's slower and fiddlier than my patience can handle.
Fifteen pounds is a lot to hold on the hips. I don't notice for an hour or two, but the bruises didn't fade for nearly a week. Plan B is isomorphic to suspenders, but that will require further adjustments to weight-bearing elements.
Again I didn't notice at the time, but the rings and scales at the toes scraped much of the polish off my boots. The solution to this may actually be the same as the solution to the noise, a knit or leather pad between.
As it turns out, a single set of compression pants is not 100% proof against getting hairs caught. Also, not strictly warm enough. Next time, I'm doubling up the tights.

I had plenty of people asking for pictures, but I never actually got any of my own. If anyone has run into pictures of that outfit, can you pass me a link? click

comments

Shameless Commerce Division

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 04:29:03 GMT

I've been working with chainmail for a couple years now, but the sheer volume of response to my latest project (scalemail pants) has inspired/encouraged me to go ahead and try to make a little money off it. Thanks to the magic of Tubes 2.0, the obvious way would appear to be to start an Etsy shop. So naturally I've pored through a bunch of their getting-started sellers' resources and am closing in on feeling ready to actually do this. But I'm hitting a few roadblocks.

Shop name (the truly important stuff). I keep drifting back to "Madhouse Metals" then balking, not wanting to limit myself from making the occasional Ridiculous Scarf or phone case. Chainmail jewelry will still be my focus, but my internal thesaurus is crashing when I try to look up synonyms for "shiny things" that start with M. Any suggestions? Winner gets a gold star (or a star of any other color(s)). This is a deceptively big deal because it'll have to go on tax paperwork and other crap that's a pain in the butt to change.

Banking. I heart my bank to death, but they don't have anything aimed toward small business, let alone micro-business. Etsy stroungly suggests keeping shop finances separate from personal finances. How seriously should I take this? Would I regret getting a free checking account aimed at personal use and then running a business out of it? Has anyone had good experiences with any banks I should look into?

Inventory. Most of my projects have been... rather large in scale. I may not be a market analyst, but I highly doubt anyone would be willing to pay me enough to want to do another pair of those pants that I won't get to keep for myself. So I have to learn to make small things. Not only that, I have to learn what counts as originality and creativity in small things. Especially when there are instructions and tutorials for hundreds of different weaves, it feels like making "just another pair of full-persian earrings" isn't actually going to be standing out in any way.

This feels like an oddly complicated and rigorous process for something where I expect to see maybe a couple hundred dollars of sales in a year. But my programmer instincts write maintainable code if I'm writing anything at all carry over to here. I may not expect a $2000 armor commission, but if one lands in front of me I want to not have to ignore it.

click

comments

State of the maker

Sun, 10 Jul 2011 02:03:59 GMT

About a month ago, I had a surreal experience at a concert in Tacoma. I had claimed some counter space out of the way, minding my own business working on scalemail. I'm well aware that scale is an attention-getter, even in crowds familiar with chainmail, but this time I was getting new questions. Was I a vendor (in particular, at Faerieworlds the following weekend)? How much did I sell pieces for? Was I interested in a place to exhibit any works? I was taken aback, and they seemed almost surprised to hear that I was making these pieces entirely for myself.

It has started me thinking, though. Chain and scale have in some ways been my first hobby to have tangible, durable results, and I'm apparently not afraid of the giant projects. So far:

Stainless steel shirt. Finished. So many lessons learned on this one, and I deserve I-told-you-sos from quite a few people, but it's done and I'm proud of it. I'm hoping the faire weekends this year are less blindingly hot so I can actually wear it.
Stainless steel coif. On hold. The obvious companion to a shirt, but looking at it now I'm not necessarily happy with the sizing. I also have a tendency to forget it actually exists.
Scalemail loincloth. Wearable, needs tweaking. This was my exploratory scale project, but I'm quite pleased with how it turned out and the reactions it got at Faerieworlds. I still need to figure out a way to close it that doesn't involve bolts.
Scalemail chaps. In progress. Using lessons learned from the loincloth, and will be a companion piece.
Aluminum shirt. Research phase. Bright colors and a very loose weave, good for nothing beyond getting attention.
"Rock Garden". Unlike the others, this is not a garden, and an extremely long term project that sprung itself on me as I was figuring out how to wrap a stone.

A quick glance at Etsy shows that the market exists (at least, that other sellers believe it does). A glance at the prices, however, tells me that I need to work faster than I currently do in order to both (a) be competetive and (b) be paying myself a sensible rate for labor. I also have some internal leaps to make to differentiate original ideas from copies, but that might well come with time.

click

comments