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Jan. 20th, 2005
Self-Examination
Jan. 20th, 2005 08:08 pmToday has, frankly, not been a good day.
In lieu of paying full attention in classes, I found myself deeply examining who I am and who I've been lately. My self-confidence has been at an all-time low, to the point of hesitating even to call my high school best friends when I was home for break. I've also been getting more and more frustrated with my inability to hold a train of thought, develop it, and properly communicate it. This came to a head in Sound Theory today, when I thought I was following the discussion right up to the point where I was called on, and my mind went entirely blank. I had exactly nothing to say. The same thing comes up over and over again - if you pay attention to me in a conversation, I actually say just about nothing. In the cases where I do think of something to say, either I decide it's irrelevant, decide it's a restatement, or never find the proper time to actually interject it. This is usually fine when I'm in a group that's talking, but if you try to engage me in a single conversation, you'll find me awfully lacking - this problem has been the doom of more than one relationship I've ever been in. I used to be better about it over IM; lately even that has been difficult.
I need something to do. Rocky will be good for me; will it be enough? I don't know. I also wish I had a better way to pipe music into the bedroom, as accompaniment for Naked Waterbed Theocomp. My regular speakers are too entangled in the computer, and busting out the EEP gear is very much overkill.
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In lieu of paying full attention in classes, I found myself deeply examining who I am and who I've been lately. My self-confidence has been at an all-time low, to the point of hesitating even to call my high school best friends when I was home for break. I've also been getting more and more frustrated with my inability to hold a train of thought, develop it, and properly communicate it. This came to a head in Sound Theory today, when I thought I was following the discussion right up to the point where I was called on, and my mind went entirely blank. I had exactly nothing to say. The same thing comes up over and over again - if you pay attention to me in a conversation, I actually say just about nothing. In the cases where I do think of something to say, either I decide it's irrelevant, decide it's a restatement, or never find the proper time to actually interject it. This is usually fine when I'm in a group that's talking, but if you try to engage me in a single conversation, you'll find me awfully lacking - this problem has been the doom of more than one relationship I've ever been in. I used to be better about it over IM; lately even that has been difficult.
I need something to do. Rocky will be good for me; will it be enough? I don't know. I also wish I had a better way to pipe music into the bedroom, as accompaniment for Naked Waterbed Theocomp. My regular speakers are too entangled in the computer, and busting out the EEP gear is very much overkill.
click
