memnus: Dave Davenport and Lovelace with quotes from Alice In Wonderland (We're All Mad Here (Narbonic))
So, now that I've salted the earth over at LiveJournal, if I'm going to pretend that I'll start posting over here again I should probably give the rundown of what I've been up to, and just how thoroughly illegal I actually am in Russia. So, in moderately chronological order, my last three to five years...

I ended, or finally allowed to end, a toxic and harmful relationship. I'm not proud, but also not hesitant, to say that I was the one being abusive. I won't dwell on the details of that - if you've heard those details from the other party to that relationship, believe what you've heard. Many of the changes in my life since then have been directly in the service of making sure that I never allow myself to get near that space again.

I've finally put down deep roots in Seattle, and at the end of 2014, I bought a house and moved in. It's a larger space than I strictly need, and I live alone here except for the cats, but I have space to fill with my favorite people, throw parties, or just let a friend hide here and still not be in my way. I have a luxurious, spacious kitchen, a giant garage, and a hot tub on the roof. I also have the hassle of maintaining all of these things, of course; right now there is a hole in the ceiling and the hot tub is out of commission.

Qualcomm closed the Seattle office early in 2016, laid off the team that was based there, and told me to go work from home, with no network or IT support, and oh yeah, they wouldn't support a Linux workstation offsite so I would have to ship that back to San Diego and remote into it. I was skeptical of this choice, and of my own ability to work effectively from my own house full of distractions, but I know better than to make permanent decisions in late winter or spring; after sticking it out for almost six months, I quit in June and gave myself my first real summer vacation in over a decade. It was glorious. In the fall, I joined the Android Security Response and Review team at Google. I hadn't actually done any security work before then, but apparently my Android experience was what mattered and I've done a fine job of coming up to speed on the security parts, because I've now been there six months and people seem to trust me. In any case, the Kirkland-based team trusts me enough to work out of the Seattle office most of the time.

(In an adjacent alternate universe, I ended up at Glowforge, and am almost certainly much more stressed and anxious than I am in this one. The startup life is not for me.)

I've grown comfortably into an independent, saturated, solo-poly lifestyle, and it suits me extraordinarily well. I have five partners of various degrees of intensity, each one of my metamours is a delightful person that I don't get nearly enough social time with, and I still get to spend enough time alone (or with the cats) that I feel centered in my own life. I have lovers of all genders (or lack thereof), of diverse backgrounds. And those relationships have been stable and durable - the newest of them is now eight months in, and deep and intense and enriching. Not that I haven't had my share of heartbreak - at least two breakups stand out for having devoured my attention for weeks - but even those won't let me regret this life I've lucked into and embraced. I have a rich and supportive community around me, and space in my house to throw parties that only begin to give back.

And finally, this year, I ran hard into the question of my own gender. It's not the first time - I've reviewed it periodically over the years - but this time I have the vocabulary and experience and support and self-awareness to express that binary masculinity simply isn't for me, anymore. In February, I started coming out to my closest friends as genderfluid, and nonbinary, and transfem, and was greeted with a resounding, "Yeah that makes sense." I've been expanding that outness, asking more and more people to use "they" and "them" pronouns when referring to me, and at this point I'm out to pretty much anyone that might be using that information. For myself, I've only just started to explore that rabbit hole - once I allow myself to embrace that new thought, I can't let go of it, and whole worlds of options (and anxiety and dysphoria) are open to me. More on this as it develops.

Oh, and my hair is blue and purple now. If I do actually post more on Dreamwidth, I'm definitely going to have to update some icons.


Apr. 10th, 2017 10:25 pm
memnus: A stylized galaxy image, with the quote "Eternity lies ahead of us - and behind. Have you drunk your fill?" (Default)
This is a test of cross-posting! If you see this on Dreamwidth, ignore it. Livejournal is preventing me from posting there directly, so I'm trying to sneak this entry in though a different API.

[content redacted]
memnus: Me with my bow at full draw, with quote "Just Dynamic Tension" (Dynamic Tension)
Forgot to post this yesterday.

squats, conditioning )

Workout log

Mar. 6th, 2015 01:10 pm
memnus: Me with my bow at full draw, with quote "Just Dynamic Tension" (Dynamic Tension)
I love when I can sneak out over lunch. Telecommuting!

deadlift, conditioning )

Workout log

Mar. 4th, 2015 05:55 pm
memnus: Me with my bow at full draw, with quote "Just Dynamic Tension" (Dynamic Tension)
I have now been to the gym as many times in March as I did in February.

front squats, conditioning )
memnus: Me with my bow at full draw, with quote "Just Dynamic Tension" (Dynamic Tension)
I just lost two weeks of gym time to bad scheduling and lurking depression. To keep myself a little more accountable, I'm going to start keeping a record here. Actual numbers will be under cuts.

Squats, bench press )
memnus: Me with my head back and eyes closed (Laid back)
I work on the 15th floor, and there are elevators on both sides of the hall. To practice focus I try to remember which side of the hall my car is on, so I know exactly which way to turn as I exit the elevator. It's harder than you'd think.
memnus: Green-eyed person hiding under covers (Hiding in bed (QoW))
I've been reading a lot of feminist or otherwise social-justice-adjacent blogs. They're full of powerful stories, justified anger, and palpable pain, and the least I can do is listen... but reading them is also reading their explanation of who's doing the oppression. And of all the major privileged groups in the US, "Christian" is the only one that I can't make a claim to or easily pass in. That's seductive.

My mind sometimes feels like an echo chamber. Thoughts are words or sentences, represented basically in audio form, but instead of leading one to the next they loop back to themselves and repeat, bouncing over each other and going nowhere. Most of them are petty and trivial, but dangerous, hurtful thoughts bounce there too, getting into shouting matches with sense and/or compassion. Neither surrenders, neither relents, despite knowing which I want to favor. So I keep my mouth shut and try to listen to love.
memnus: Stepmania "hold" arrows and the phrase "HOLD ME". (Hold me.)
Bicycle helmet and motorcycle helmet on a cat tree
No flash. The reflective tape works too well.

Frances and I went shopping for motorcycle gear this weekend. It turns out there is exactly one helmet manufacturer that makes anything approximating the shape of my head, so I didn't have a lot of options — black it is. In jacket and gloves, however, I'm a much more common size, and those are available is "high-visibility". Think of the greenish yellow that's supplanted boring yellow on crosswalk signs, brighten it up a couple shades, and you have the color of my new clothing. (Not to leave the helmet out of the fun, I got some darker green retro-reflective tape for accents.) The jacket is pretty much single-purpose, but the gloves are quite a bit more waterproof than my old gloves so I've also adopted them for bicycling. They're almost overkill, but I'm much more confident about my hand signals actually being seen.

I also tried to find a new biking jacket, to replace my ten-year-old rain jacket, but had much less luck with that. You'd think it'd be a much more common thing in this town, but maybe my timing is off? I only had lunch to look, but tomorrow I'll cast a wider net. If I still don't find anything, I'll go back to the generic rain jacket I almost bought.


memnus: Pink cat face jumpng out of a toaster (Toast! (S*P))

I took a final look at dinner and decided that it wasn't so much a salad as a vegetable soup without liquid. Chopped pecans, sunflower seeds, leeks (chopped fine and cooked down hard), beet flesh and greens, shredded cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, probably some other things I'm forgetting now. Definitely best eaten with a spoon.

That title almost implies I'm going for a paleo diet. I'm kinda against the paleo thing in general -- it's expensive and unbalanced, takes more prep work for less food, plus doughnuts are delicious. But when you're trying to use up the contents of a CSA box before you get the next one, meals like this are kinda inevitable.


memnus: Cartoon kitten after being sprayed with water (Angry kitten (QoW))
  • I just filled up this box, then turned off NoScript which promptly reloaded the page. It may have also been preventing the page from saving drafts.
  • As far as the State of Washington is concerned, I'm fully qualified to ride a motorcycle! On a whim, Frances and I took the (state-subsidized) Basic Rider Safety Course, the one that assumes no experience on anything heavier than a bicycle. Despite the rain, and despite my dropping the bike just before the actual test (oooooooops) we both passed! Now I keep looking at Craigslist to drool over bikes that I'd be too terrified to ride. No way in hell will my first bike be something I'll feel guilty about putting a few dings in.
  • After having it pointed out that my lunches were a bit skimpy, I've added "eat enough food at all costs" to the self-care list. So far the only difference I've noticed is not getting hungry at 4:30 every day, which is probably actually a pretty big step. It does lead to unfortunate things like last night's Cheese Bomb Lasagna, but at this point (especially coming into the winter) that beats the alternative.
  • I kinda want a script that picks one of my blog tags and throws it at me as a prompt. It could lead to some interesting things.
  • I started knitting a hooded scarf, and eight rows in decided it was too boring. So I'm learning cables on the fly. And buttonholes. I keep doing projects like this, and the only thing I've actually learned is not to do them on a deadline. Those damn curtains...
  • How is trolling not considered a sociopathic act? (And how does the Firefox spell check not recognize "sociopathic"?) It is literally hurting someone -- as many people as possible -- for your own amusement, because they're funny when they're hurt. Yes, offense and anger are pain responses. When did this become okay? Is it just never framed in that context?


memnus: Dragon with pigtails and glasses, saying "No sense... in a way that blows your mind?" (That makes no sense! (O&M))

There's nothing quite like sports to get a bunch of self-identified nerds to start competing about who can be the most ignorant.

  • If you value knowledge (doubly so for obscure or trivial knowledge) it seems ridiculously petty to start arbitrarily deciding some knowledge is Good and some knowledge is Bad.
  • Really, people: football, basketball, and hockey are no more similar than Halo, Warcraft, and Civ.
  • I don't see how it's possible to stay in touch with local current events (that will affect your life much more directly than national ones) without hearing about the two or three local favorite teams. Failure to at least recognize those shows that you're either out of touch entirely, or willfully ignorant (see first point).
It seems like people forget that little knowledge of the overculture goes a long way towards successfully navigating it.

(Not prompted by anything in particular, just a thing I've been noticing...)


memnus: Zombie on fire, screenshot from Half-Life 2 (I HAZ A FEVR)
  1. I was laid low by a stomach flu last week. Spent about twelve hours wishing for death, another twelve terrified of water, and the next twenty-four cringing at the thought of solid food. So, so grateful to [personal profile] quartzpebble for staying home to take me to the doctor. I have no idea where I picked this up, but I don't seem to have passed it along, so yay?
  2. At work I've been writing code way outside of my comfort zone: kernel code that reads and writes directly from the silicon. This is a strange new experience, and kinda terrifying. On the plus side, it's GPL code, so I'll be able to point to it from anywhere and say LOOK I DID THAT.
  3. Qualcomm is changing its name to "Qualcomm Technologies Incorporated". Or maybe it's Qualcomm CDMA Technologies that's changing its name. I've never been clear on all the weird divisions within the company, except that it has something to do with compartmentalizing IP.
  4. I've been going to a Crossfit gym for the last six months, and the difference since then is pretty remarkable. Then again, I'm also starting to wonder if some exercises actually start to hurt less, or if you just stop interpreting those signals as pain.
  5. Lori has two new kittens this week - Ellie, four months old, and Kilo Jack, two months. They're still getting used to the house and to us, and are beyond super adorable. Kilo in particular is half the time a bundle of pouncy energy and half the time just wants to sleep on you.


memnus: A stylized galaxy image, with the quote "Eternity lies ahead of us - and behind. Have you drunk your fill?" (Default)

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